My Dating Profile.

There is nothing better in life than taking long walks on short piers during a hurricane.
I take myself very seriously and laughing is ridiculous. 
Au contraire, I use any excuse to dress up like a moron and make people laugh with my array of multi-colored wigs.  
I have no sense of direction and hence, my moral compass may be a bit askance.
I received my B.F.A from NYU's Tisch School of the Arts when I was twenty (cum laude....I love Latin).
I then moved to Los Angeles to pursue my passion for comedy, acting and writing.  Thereafter, I went to law school because I like initials after my surname and I was tired of being the outcast compared to my erudite family.  I took great pride in adorning my fuzzy tiger slippers to class daily and I was a professional notetaker.  I worked in criminal prosectuion in LA...but I decided it was not for me when all I could think about was wishing I was "Ally McBeal " (except I eat....celery only). 
I have lived in Amsterdam, Sweden and London studying dance, theatre and living life.
I also travelled around the world on "Semester at Sea" in college.  As a kid, I spent my summers in boarding schools, tennis camp and on the ocean in Connecticut.
Since I love the water so much, I am convinced I was a mermaid
in one of my many past lives....I was also a cat named Fluffy.,...kidding of course...I am a dog person.
Sports are my life.  I was a cross-country runner at NYU and I was captain of three varsity sports in high school (Cross-country, Skiing and Tennis).  I have completed three LA Marathons without ever training a single day for them (4:30 time).  I thrive on a challenge.  I jumped out of an airplane called "The Caribou" last July 4th dressed up as Uncle Sam.
I speak four languages and I love learning about other cultures.   I am blessed with the best family in the world and in my objective and clearly unbiased humble opinion, my dog (a Puggle named Red after the Red Sox) is the cutest dog in the universe. 
Family is extremely important to me and I am blessed with a pretty awesome one.
I am not particularly looking for anything....other than the perfect man.   Is that too tall of an order!?  My magic eightball said "It is decidedly so."  I make every important decision in my life based upon a Jamaican psychic 1-900 hotline at the witching hour. If you're not a fire sign, I don't think we will have anything to talk about.   If you cannot figure out that I am being facetious, we are probably not going to elope to the Cayman Islands. 
Oh, a pet peeve of mine is when people write "LOL" and other absurd acronyms.  FML.   If you're a gentleman who knows the rules of etiquette (which can be found at Brooks Brothers) and who knows who Emily Post is, we may get along swimmingly (and in the ocean).  If you have an erroneous, egotistical assumption that my interest is piqued by mundane questions such as:  "Hey, how are you?"  or "What do you like to do for fun?" please reserve said banal inquiries for Miss Vanilla, not Miss Strawberry Swirl. 
Alas, please forgive me if I take a while in responding.  I intentionally still have a flip phone from the 90's  (Marty McFly calls me daily). However, I pride myself on not being constantly attached to my phone, texting, f-booking, etcetera.   I prefer communication via carrier pigeon or a white stallion with my Prince arriving on it with dandelions and other weeds that he picked along the way pour moi. 
I like jade, as a healing stone, not as a personality trait.
I take five minutes to get ready, despise shopping and all designer hand-bags are a colossal waste of space. 
Yes, what I wrote is true.

On-line Dating Part 1.

My heart skipped a beat.  I was about to embark upon my first blind date through an on-line site I had recently joined.
I was so excited to meet a single, tall, handsome, athletic, well-educated, successful man in his 30's. I pranced into the coffee shop like a little giddy school girl, eagerly scanning the room to spot my Prince Charming.   I felt a strong tap on my left shoulder.  I turned around and there he was!   Heaven!!!
.........help me....he was nothing like he said.  He was at least fifty years old, with a noticebale bright white tan line on his ring finger, a hair-do that could make Donald Trump's mane look classy, a faux painted on moustache, a gut the size of a hungry amoeba and I was almost a foot taller than him.  I was aghast.  Mr. "Knight-Night" as his screename dictated, was more of a "Fright-Night" than anything else.  He was grinning from wrinkled ear to ear, while holding out a gargantuan wilted white rose for me and awkwardly announcing that it was so great to finally meet in person.  Numerous ogling eyes were transfixed at this spectacle of a rendez-vous.  I tried to maintain civility and propriety, but I simply could not refrain at this juncture.  I tried to conjure up anything remotely plausible as an excuse to extricate myself expeditiously from the premises, but the only words I could utter out of my numbly frozen visage, were "Are you kidding me?"  Mr. Fright-Night looked taken aback and presumed that it was the white rose which offended me.  He explained that he would have gotten red or pink, but he did not want to be too presumptuous.  I promptly thanked him for the kind gesture and explained that I am extremely allergic to all flowers and that I forgot that Wednesdays were the days that I am supposed to bunny sit for my neighbor's rabbit, Peter. To be continued.........

Mannequins Make The Best Boyfriends

You know you're having a bad day when your mannequin breaks up with you! How do I win him back? I think he thought that I thought he was taking things too slowly, but I really thought he was such a gentle-man-equin and such a good cuddler. What is Kateri to do?