My Dating Profile.

There is nothing better in life than taking long walks on short piers during a hurricane.
I take myself very seriously and laughing is ridiculous. 
Au contraire, I use any excuse to dress up like a moron and make people laugh with my array of multi-colored wigs.  
I have no sense of direction and hence, my moral compass may be a bit askance.
I received my B.F.A from NYU's Tisch School of the Arts when I was twenty (cum laude....I love Latin).
I then moved to Los Angeles to pursue my passion for comedy, acting and writing.  Thereafter, I went to law school because I like initials after my surname and I was tired of being the outcast compared to my erudite family.  I took great pride in adorning my fuzzy tiger slippers to class daily and I was a professional notetaker.  I worked in criminal prosectuion in LA...but I decided it was not for me when all I could think about was wishing I was "Ally McBeal " (except I eat....celery only). 
I have lived in Amsterdam, Sweden and London studying dance, theatre and living life.
I also travelled around the world on "Semester at Sea" in college.  As a kid, I spent my summers in boarding schools, tennis camp and on the ocean in Connecticut.
Since I love the water so much, I am convinced I was a mermaid
in one of my many past lives....I was also a cat named Fluffy.,...kidding of course...I am a dog person.
Sports are my life.  I was a cross-country runner at NYU and I was captain of three varsity sports in high school (Cross-country, Skiing and Tennis).  I have completed three LA Marathons without ever training a single day for them (4:30 time).  I thrive on a challenge.  I jumped out of an airplane called "The Caribou" last July 4th dressed up as Uncle Sam.
I speak four languages and I love learning about other cultures.   I am blessed with the best family in the world and in my objective and clearly unbiased humble opinion, my dog (a Puggle named Red after the Red Sox) is the cutest dog in the universe. 
Family is extremely important to me and I am blessed with a pretty awesome one.
I am not particularly looking for anything....other than the perfect man.   Is that too tall of an order!?  My magic eightball said "It is decidedly so."  I make every important decision in my life based upon a Jamaican psychic 1-900 hotline at the witching hour. If you're not a fire sign, I don't think we will have anything to talk about.   If you cannot figure out that I am being facetious, we are probably not going to elope to the Cayman Islands. 
Oh, a pet peeve of mine is when people write "LOL" and other absurd acronyms.  FML.   If you're a gentleman who knows the rules of etiquette (which can be found at Brooks Brothers) and who knows who Emily Post is, we may get along swimmingly (and in the ocean).  If you have an erroneous, egotistical assumption that my interest is piqued by mundane questions such as:  "Hey, how are you?"  or "What do you like to do for fun?" please reserve said banal inquiries for Miss Vanilla, not Miss Strawberry Swirl. 
Alas, please forgive me if I take a while in responding.  I intentionally still have a flip phone from the 90's  (Marty McFly calls me daily). However, I pride myself on not being constantly attached to my phone, texting, f-booking, etcetera.   I prefer communication via carrier pigeon or a white stallion with my Prince arriving on it with dandelions and other weeds that he picked along the way pour moi. 
I like jade, as a healing stone, not as a personality trait.
I take five minutes to get ready, despise shopping and all designer hand-bags are a colossal waste of space. 
Yes, what I wrote is true.

On-line Dating Part 1.

My heart skipped a beat.  I was about to embark upon my first blind date through an on-line site I had recently joined.
I was so excited to meet a single, tall, handsome, athletic, well-educated, successful man in his 30's. I pranced into the coffee shop like a little giddy school girl, eagerly scanning the room to spot my Prince Charming.   I felt a strong tap on my left shoulder.  I turned around and there he was!   Heaven!!!
.........help me....he was nothing like he said.  He was at least fifty years old, with a noticebale bright white tan line on his ring finger, a hair-do that could make Donald Trump's mane look classy, a faux painted on moustache, a gut the size of a hungry amoeba and I was almost a foot taller than him.  I was aghast.  Mr. "Knight-Night" as his screename dictated, was more of a "Fright-Night" than anything else.  He was grinning from wrinkled ear to ear, while holding out a gargantuan wilted white rose for me and awkwardly announcing that it was so great to finally meet in person.  Numerous ogling eyes were transfixed at this spectacle of a rendez-vous.  I tried to maintain civility and propriety, but I simply could not refrain at this juncture.  I tried to conjure up anything remotely plausible as an excuse to extricate myself expeditiously from the premises, but the only words I could utter out of my numbly frozen visage, were "Are you kidding me?"  Mr. Fright-Night looked taken aback and presumed that it was the white rose which offended me.  He explained that he would have gotten red or pink, but he did not want to be too presumptuous.  I promptly thanked him for the kind gesture and explained that I am extremely allergic to all flowers and that I forgot that Wednesdays were the days that I am supposed to bunny sit for my neighbor's rabbit, Peter. To be continued.........

Mannequins Make The Best Boyfriends

You know you're having a bad day when your mannequin breaks up with you! How do I win him back? I think he thought that I thought he was taking things too slowly, but I really thought he was such a gentle-man-equin and such a good cuddler. What is Kateri to do?

Murphy's Law......

The past twenty-four hours have been a very bizarre confluence of uncanny events, and I am beginning to wonder if 'Murphy's Law' was named after me. Not only was I born during one of the worst blizzards to ever hit Springfield, Massachusetts....I have been 'blessed' or (cursed) with crazy curly red-hair (othwerwise known as an afro, and when it is straightened I resemble a pine-apple or a palm tree), my parents named me 'Kateri' which sounds more like a food service than an actual name......I am a lefty and a ridiculous klutz, I have survived two frightening near-death experiences.....and when I say near-death, I mean getting impaled with an 8 inch piece of glass through my stomach as a kid, and then a few years back, getting run over on rollerblades by a Lincoln town car in New York City, which was speeding at upwards of 50 mph....not to mention the time when I was 8, whilst attempting to get milk and eggs for my mom at the local convenience store, an oblivious lady squished me between her car and my mom's car in the parking lot....,,yet I still had to perform my ballet recital with a ridiculously-looking leg brace the following week.....anyways, I am currently wicked busy finishing my second year of law school in Los Angeles, as well as pursuing my acting career. On Friday I was in court fighting a traffic ticket, and the judge asked me if my name was a typo......I usually get asked if I made up my name.....hmmmmm.....if I was going to get creative and make-up a name, it would be something more like 'Hollaindaise sauce' or 'yo mama.' Anyways, fast forward to today, where I have been preparing to film a hilarious pilot tomorrow called Venice Beach Sushi, where I play a transsexual named Jamie.....yes, that's right....I have an odd talent of being able to talk like a gay male.....and no, I am not secretly a hermaphrodite.....so, since I was attempting to be a dedicated, diligent actress, I went to the beach to cure myself of my transparent skin tone.....well, due to my harrowing week of studying for law school finals, I haphazardly fell sound asleep......I was under the erroneous impression that I was a Day Walker who could withstand the brutal, penetrating solar rays......however, I was literally, very sorely mistaken.....a lobster is pale in comparison to my uncomfortably burning crimson skin color.......as I awoke from my tranquil nap, I tried to shake the dirty sand that was stuck to my lime green bikini, and head over to West Hollywood to see my hair stylist for tomorrow's film shoot.......as I am contently listening to classical music on the way over, the red light in my car goes off, my car starts sputtering freaky sounds, and then it dies in the middle of an extremely busy intersection.....that was a nt so fun experience to say the least....so I feebly attempted to re-start Old Nelly, and the brakes go out and I almost crash into a Mercedes, but luckily, I was able to maneuver my PMS'ing car into a meter......then I had to walk over a mile in the scorching, sweltering heat, to the hair salon......after getting my 'hair did,' AAA came to tow my car.......as we're driving to take my over-heated car to the mechanic, the tow truck breaks down........at this point, I thought this was 'Candid Camera,'......oops, I am dating myself (literally), I mean "Punk'd"........so the poor tow-truck driver felt really bad, but I was at least able to drop off my car......however, I then had to walk another mile home with a very heavy backpack on my sun-burned skin.....and let's just say, not even a whole tube of aloe can assuage the agony right now.....well, that has been my last 24 hours, and I must retire to the bed-chambers with hopes of a somnolent slumber, since my call time is the crack of dawn......hopefully, tomorrow will be more fruitful....after-all. I am the carrot top playing a 'fruit' so to speak :) The Mistaken Day-Walker

Support Our Troops

As I was driving home on this beautiful Sunday afternoon in sunny California, my attentions were instantly diverted to a boisterous rally occurring in my neighborhood. A frenzy of irate Veterans were picketing in front of the Veterans' hospital to stop "the land grabbing of the Veterans hallowed land and to fully implement the Veterans' 'Declaration of Enforcement' that Protects, Preserves and Defends the Land Grant Deed of 1888." This land was specifically Deeded 120 years ago to be permanently maintained as a National Home for America's Military Veterans. This precious land was given to the soldiers as a form of compensation for their blood, sweat, and tears. Currently, this land is being traitorously taken away from the Veterans in order to build a hotel and a public park. I was aghast at this story.....so I decided to join in on the event. The stories these brave men recounted of what they endured both in Vietnam and subsequent wars, and the hell the experienced by their lack of adequate health care in the U.S., brought me to tears. It is simply disgraceful that our soldiers' needs are not being properly treated, and the one local safe-haven these courageous Veterans have enjoyed, is currently being demolished for corporate purposes. We are privileged to be able to enjoy all of the luxuries of being an American because of the people who have served this amazing country. I ardently support all of my friends and strangers who are currently fighting in Iraq, and those who have already served. Thank you for your courage in World War II grandpa. Thank you Uncle Rich for being a great navy pilot, dad for being a doctor in the navy, Jason for your work in Iraq, Joseph Sronce for your work in Somalia and Iraq. Thank you Justin Pabis for your bravery and courage on your second tour of Iraq. I honor and love you all!

neil diamond and water

i went out to sing karaoke last night with friends at the holiday inn in burbank.....good times had by all......a girl was there dancing and i thought jane fonda was there to teach us the aerobics electric slide on the dance floor....i was dancing with a guy from kansas who said he had a contusion on his foot which is why he was wearing some form of a bizarre cast on his leg....he introduced hismelf as 'los' although his real name was andrew....that seems to be the trend out here....everyone makes up some bizarre pet-name and introduces themselves as such to stand-out....so when i use my real name, Kateri, people think that i am being trendy about some food business i used to own....i don't even know how to cook...anyways, back to 'los'....well, he then went on to tell me that he knew what the word 'contusion' meant when he went to the doctor because he studied pre-med in college.....for a week......who says that????.....so we exchanged numbers, and danced the night away while neil diamond was being sung by my effervescent inebriated comrades

i adore repetition, so i am blaring neil diamond and imbibing evian water on this sunday morning....cracklin' rose get on-board